Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Nobody move!

This seems to be the unlikely mantra of most Premiership clubs this January, what with the likes of Man U and Arsenal generating about as much transfer activity as a Christmas retail store on January 2nd (well not including customer returns). It must be said that even Chelsea have shown uncharacteristic restraint…wait wait, I’ve just been handed a news bulletin informing me that the only reason they haven't bought someone is because the FA have banned any transfers on the account that the club already has enough wankers. Well that makes sense then, but the real Christmas miracle, albeit late, this holiday season is that Alex Ferguson insisted he will not request another stimulus package from Barack Obama/Malcolm Glazer to help his ailing side. Why this is will perplex even the sharpest of minds as the Scotsman usually has the financial acumen of a valley girl in a shoe store when it comes to transfers, a point that can be proven just as quickly as you can say JuanSebastianVeronDiegoForlanDimitarBerbatovMassimoTiabi (I had to exclude about 15 names just to make that relatively quick). Although anyone who can so much as spell “financial management” would also point out that £700 million of debt is probably the most likely reason for Fergie not dipping into the usually bottomless Man U transfer fund. Meanwhile, Ferguson’s usually whimsical purchasing has apparently rubbed off on Newcastle, who apparently haven’t learned their lesson from buying the fresh-faced but feeble-legged Michael Owen judging by the offer they’ve plopped down for Jermaine Beckford, who is of course the next best thing to score one goal since El Hadji Diouf. With his contemporaries compiling a catalogue of transfer flops, it’s no wonder then that Arsene has taken to the extremely conservative tactic of signing pre-existing squad players. You can’t go wrong there right? I mean provided they are healthy and all…

So with nothing much going on in the transfer market, we move then to the magical, mystical, enchanted FA Cup! Sound anything like Disney World yet? No? Then I have failed the English FA, an organization whose second job behind fining (only) foreigners for diving seems to be obsessively moaning over the FA Cup’s declining status amongst the public. Well things got pretty fricken enchanted for them on Sunday when Leeds beat that club that doesn’t need to buy anyone in the January transfer window, 1-nil. Things got even more exciting when our team who needs to buy players but won’t pulled victory from the very jaws of defeat…err, I mean Mikael Silvestre’s rusty offside trap. The key to the victory was the again impressive Aaron Ramsey, who possessed the cutting edge that escaped his teammates throughout the previous 70 minutes. Then Eduardo rolled back the years and summoned a header that surprised everyone, none more so than Robert Green who could manage nothing more than a pimp-slap as the ball passed him into the top corner of the net. I don’t know on what frequency Arsenal’s telepathy is currently operating, but it continues to experience minimal interference as the goals continue to be distributed evenly between multiple players at crucial times. Hopefully who scores when gets communicated clearly and frequently this Saturday against Everton, as the Bolton postponement means we’ll have to wait a few more days to close the gap on the Oil Tankers. Fancy another 6-1 massacre? Tune in after and we’ll tally up the body count on Arsenal Review USA.